stress blog

warning: this blog may contain major venting so my my dear Husby is spared the venting about this crappy day being done directly to him.

i don't want to go to church tomorrow. how many kidlets do you know to have said that on a saturday or tuesday night? well, on this thursday evening, i'm joining the ranks. i don't wanna.

this week, our CE director and part-time pastor both resigned (for extremely unrelated issues - the timing just sucks). to be frank, i'm thankful to be relieved of the CED. she is a lot of choice words, and the office will feel lighter and happier without her. it also means that the senior pastor is completely supportive of new ideas - such as totally restructuring the youth and family model at church. while that's really exciting (for real. the children, youth and fam staff is super pumped to think out of the box and mix things up at church!), it also means a LOT more work added to my plate. as one who worked two 15 hour days this week, i'm not very excited about the increased work load.

in addition to all the logistical fun, there's all the processing to do. taking care of the part-retiring part-we can't afford him pastor, treading lightly past the CED office, picking up all the extra pieces of both, seperating the emotional part from the realistic parts, etc. so much processing.

i got yelled at by that very leaving pastor, so that was fun. i called my poor Husby bawling, and then pastor T found me sobbing in my office. she processed the yelling at, made me laugh, and then we went and ate pizza. staff had a processing lunch, followed by a meeting with both pastors about the future youth and family model we'll use, followed by a girls-only venting/processing session. then i called my grandma, who is still in the nursing home rehab center and not too happy about it, talked to my mother, picked up Husby at the auto dealer, went grocery shopping, and finally got to come home.

it's officially been one of those days.
aer <><

much relieved

to have taken the pressure of having to post daily off. sorry nablopomo - maybe next year.

also relieved to have survived major family holiday #1 of 2007. however, we did not escape the post-holiday meltdown. after a normal wednesday night of work, an early wakeup to finish cooking & baking, bringing grandma dinner in the nursing home, having sister poo-poo the new house, spending prolonged time at dad's, being called selfish and unloving by sister, and finally arriving back at home... then came the tears. but thru them, man, was i thankful for the Husby who was holding me. you know, he is so amazing that he welcomes the black stains on his shirts from my mascara tears. one time, he was asked to give a sweatshirt to a staff member. he chose to give away the one without any tear spots, and told me that he "kind of treasures" the black spots. what a guy.

so post thanksgiving found me diving into Christmas! spent the day with abc family on in the background (all day, all abc family Christmas movies. yes!) while putting away fall stuff, cleaning what was under them, bringing out the Christmas & winter decorations, and eating leftovers. it was a good day, and wonderful Husby will be home from work soon to snuggle with me. life is good.
aer <><

30-some days and counting...

apparantly i enjoy a day off between blogs. although tonight, Husby has glasses of sparkly pink cider, popcorn, the cozy couch and the movie "elf" waiting for me, so this entry will be short.

today it was hard to squelch my excitement for Christmas. i want so badly to jump in to decorating and singing carols and pepperminty treats and egg nog, but am so disgusted with all the ads and commercials... i don't want to jump into that part of the holidays. so i'm trying my hardest to hold out until friday. Husby works alllll day long, which means i have to ENTIRE DAY to make our new home into Christmasy winter wonderland central!! oh blissful joy... it will be a day of Christmas movies, Christmas music, packing up the autumn decor and replacing them with Christmas decorations, candy cane eating, and finally letting the spirit of it all suck me in. i cannot wait!!

until then, it's turkey time. sweet dreams,
aer <><

day fiftee - whatever!

sorry nablopomo, i lose. i don't do real well with discipline (as noted by my widening hips, my ability to drop $20 bucks with each visit to target, and my dozen half-full journals), so i'm really not surprised that i've missed a few days/posts. despite the haphazard posting, i am loving this blog. it feels like a (semi-public) creative outlet, which my life has been lacking and i have been missing. there are a few important things that i've let drop since school and even since marriage, and - this is going to sound stupid - this blog, seeing it in writing, makes me want to reclaim those things.

things like girlfriends. free time. alone time. creating things. anything outside work and Husby. i don't want to be totally wrapped up in those things - work and Husby - but it's hard! this is the first time Husby and i have lived in the same state, so i'm a little obsessed with him. and it's so easy to get all wrapped up in work, because i don't have anything else to do!

on the plus side, it makes all the extras a little more fun and special. a meal with a good girlfriend, a walk with Husby, the chance to read a book with a cup of coffee, a phone call with a family member - these are now the highlights of my weeks. sounds kind of goofy, but i guess my assignment is to keep taking care of myself by adding more of these heart-activating things to my life. like adding veggies to your diet makes you healthier? yeah, "veggies" for my heart!

i think i like this assignment!
aer <><

day fourteen

so it's not even thanksgiving week, but since the day after halloween Christmas has hit the market. hard. and i'm not proud, but i am a sucker for the season. yesterday, a local radio station started playing all Christmas music, all the time. and it snowed (just a weensy bit!). i put the halloween decorations away and grudgingly set out a non-jack'o'lantern pumpkin (when all i wanted to do was set out the snowmen!) i'm trying, but it's hard to not get caught up in the spirit - even when it's waaay too early for it.

the thing that gets me are the ads. dis-gus-ting. just gross. we got a booklet in the paper the other day that included two wish lists (with words like "i need it", "i have to have it", and "i'll love you if you get it!") and stickers to label the toys needed throughout the catalogue. i wanted to puke. Husby and i are definitely starting lists of things we won't tell our kids about - such as wish lists and stickers to mark toys "needed". so if the worst i do this year is start rocking Christmas movies and music before Thanksgiving, i think i'll be ok.
aer <><

day thirteen (covering my butt)

oops. forgot to post last night. well, until i crawled into the warm toasty bed. then i remembered, and chose to stay put. will post again later (for actual day 14). right now, it's off to *bucks and then to target for the release of the sampler, to work, mtg at the bank, work, and finally to the screening of the movie "the kite runner" - a very beautiful and moving yet very troubling book. it's quite a read, and i'm curious to know how they dealt with filming a few potentially disturbing scenes. will post about it tonight. happy thursday all!

aer<><

day twelve

Husby came home from a jog to glc and said he had a present for me! before handing it to me, he prefaced it with "this isn't a hint, but could be a good way to jumpstart our working out." then he hands me this tape. no joke - dance workout with barbie. just what i need! much thanks to renee, who thought of me when cleaning her basement out.

in reality, i do need a jumpstart. i didn't really have the freshman fifteen, but this post college weight gain is kicking my butt (and filling it out). poor Husby - "You're perfect & beautiful & i'm so in love with you & you're gorgeous & perfect!" as i'm in tears because i can't pull my last year pants over my post-college butt. so maybe barbie'll do the trick. we'll see.

aer<><

day eleven

so this whole nablopomo deal... losing steam, people. i missed a day, my life is boring, and this blogger is confusing. i like the lightblog site better (it looks easier to work). i think i'm ticked cause i can't just do what i want to do here, but know that i don't want to switch to another site now (i mean, come on - i've logged 10 whole entries already!)... oh blogworld, we'll see how long you last in my world.

in other news, Husby and i went to this guy's house tonight. we babysat his kiddos last weekend, and left a pile of papers there. these kiddos are not normal. they are amazing. they call us "Mr. Husby" and "Mrs. Girl". they want to pray over people. they respond (without the words "screw you!") to commands like "protect your sister", "make it better", and "you need to do it because you said you would, and we're learning about following through". Husby and i just look at each other like, seriously!? wow. our children, most likely, will not be just like that. and that's ok! but it's pretty incredible to be around 4 kids who are all under 10 and act in mind-blowing respect for each other, their parents, and God. who knows? maybe our kids will be respectful. but more likely they will slam doors, sass back, call names, and have huge hearts - just like their parents. sugar, spice, and most things nice; snips and snails and puppydog tails. most definitely. someday.
aer <><

day 10

so i can add it as my profile pic. i'll figure this blogger out yet!
aer <><

day nine

a clean house. ahhhhh. this is half the living room, the "office", and the dining room. and they call it a one bedroom apartment! amazing how your perception of life changes when your house is in order. now i get it, mom!
aer <><

day eight

not gonna make it in by midnight tonight. still counts for the 9th though, right? yeah, i'm saying it does.

not much today. thinking lots about this new chapter of life. i love new things - new year's eve, new months, monday morning newness, new journals, new books, clean slates, all that new stuff. so when i just eat up all this new stuff, why is the new life in Christ that has been promised me so hard to embrace? why is it hard to embrace the new chapter of married working grownup life? cause it is wonderful. so great. i love being married to my amazing Husby. i like my job. i even don't mind being a grownup once in a while. but just sitting back and attempting to embrace all the changes? not happening. maybe it is happening, but on a smaller scale. maybe i'm not embracing and implementing all the changes at once, but one at a time. and maybe that's how God works in our hearts too. doesn't make all the changes/cleaning out/healing at once, but works on stuff one at a time. huh. amazing that free association typing at midnight can bring out theological fun.
aer <><

day seven

the big shebang is over. phew!! with the lead singer having a baby (well, his wife), one band member on crutches & one asking for cough drops, a half hour late start, irate moms, humongous speakers, and with between 200-250 people showing up, it was quite the shebang. everything on me hurts! but it was awesome. kids coming to help and chill with the band, 12 year olds bringing friends from school, parents rocking out, al's amazing chili, dear Husby getting to play bass with them for a while (pics soon), and a whopper of a guest list (and subsequent income), it was worth it. so much fun. it felt good to be the crazy youth director again. it's been less crazy, more driving-me-crazy lately, so it was refreshing. more tomorrow, today has been a loooong one. sweet dreams all!
aer <><

day 6

just pooped tonight. guess it's leftover from babysitting someone else's 4 children (all under 10) for a couple days, learning about Husby's child caring style, not sleeping all that well, and working around 10+ hours a day (but knowing i'm getting paid for half those hours). so tonight, i'm pooped.

big day tomorrow. 6:30am breakfast club (those high school girlies better show up!), running around like a crazy woman all day, and then glc is hosting a big name band for a concert tomorrow night. in the sanctuary. and there's 130 people signed up to come, with many more expected at the door. where does my mouth miss the brain signals of "No! Don't say 'yes' to this huge event! The accountant already gets surprised when you ask for money, the risk management lady will have a field day, and parents of all the kiddos will gripe! There will be loose cash, food, loud music, and many many kids involved! Don't say yes!!" noisy as they are, somehow my mouth misses these thoughts and pipes up "Sure!". yeah, we're working on that.

the days following tomorrow, however, are blissful. friday = day off. saturday = not at work. sunday. monday = day off. yahoo!!

in other news, moneyworld here at Girl & Husby's is not so green. found out today that our "debt-to-income ratio" is too high; therefore we do not qualify for a personal loan from Big Bad Bank #1. i'm so glad they articulated our situation with big bad bank lingo - no duh we have a monstrous "debt-to-income ratio". if we didn't, we could pay the bills and wouldn't be asking for help. but did ask for help, and found out that banks can only help you if you can pay for it. gee, thanks. i've never experienced the fun of choosing which bills to leave til next month before, and the serious scrimping, and the scraping, and the no frills fun budget. my father would tell me that's how his life is - paycheck to paycheck, paying just the interest and late fees. my mother would say we need to re-think how we spend because obviously we spend too much. everyone else smiles and spouts their just-married-and-poor tales of woe. and all i want to hear is that it's going to be ok, we won't be evicted, and someday we won't be literally looking in the car seats for change so we can eat the wednesday night meal at church.

i know God is good. i know Husby and i are so blessed - monetarily, too. but it's just kind of scary, and makes it a little difficult to sleep at night.
aer <><

oops (i.e. day 5ish)

so much for everyday. dear Husby and i were playing parent for 4 beautiful kids last night and today. and i'm pooped. not as pooped as DH. he's in bed as i type. just wanted to get my post in for the day(s). sorry to the readers... though i'm sure you're doing just fine. a better post tomorrow. sweet dreams blogworld.
aer<><

day four

oh sunday... its been funny how the word feels as a sunday employee at a church. sundays are no longer reserved for church, supper with family, and the paper. now sunday is another work day - which i start with worship, but still. i've never been good at "switching gears", so to go from low-key sundays to high gear sundays is tough. especially when it's hard to see the seeds God is planting through the ministry i do.

i do not love low salaries (1/2 of what my coworkers (some who did not receive a college education for their exact jobs) make), putting in wayyy too much time working, over-investing in kiddos (considering there is such a thing as being over-invested) , getting evil-eyed by grownups who think i'm bad because i don't come in before 10am (which is my conscious decision. i decide to go in after 10 because i'm texting, im-ing, and myspace-ing most glcy til midnight. and on that same page, grownups shouldn't evil eye church staff who rock, ever. just because i look and am young and cool, and know what helps youth identify with adults doesn't mean i deserve evil eyes).

however, i love the glcyouth. so much. i love watching them grow and learn. most of them don't come to church, but they wouldn't miss an event i plan. the relationships between the little ones and the high schoolers are priceless. the confirmands who actually remember what i teach. the students who call me in the middle of the night for help. the ones who volunteer to help at everything (lectoring, craft fair, younger youth events, office help...) the few who offer a thank you after a retreat. i love those kids.

it's the grownups who aren't real high on my list 'o' love.

but grownups aren't my job. i do want to involve more, and get the ones who are involved more on board with the glc ministry. but when it comes down to it, my eye is on the prize. and my prize is the glcyouth knowing how much they are loved by a really big God, and living that love out. and i get a prize with every interaction i have with those kiddos.

grownups, schmownups. booya.
aer <><

day three (sort of)

well, i missed day three by 41 minutes. but for good reason. Husby and i went to uptown to meet up with my best friend, her husband, and a million of their friends. it was a big drunken staring at boobs, talking about yucky things really loudly, and drinking more beer kind of night (for everyone but said bff, Husby and myself). bff was embarrassed by her by-marriage family (aren't we all sometimes?!), and i was having a bout of prideful thankfulness. thankful for my darling Husby, who carefully selects his favorite beer, has one, and considers it a treat. thankful for my bff and our friendship (which has been a tested one, and consistently prevails), that she can pour out her heart to me on a barstool in the midst of trashed-ness. thankful for our quiet old person life that we have in our beautiful, quiet UNPACKED and DECORATED, home. thankful for knowing that my amazing Husby will be consistent and faithful to his pursuit of my heart, which includes taking care of me, not drinking too much, and (to a fault) putting my needs before his.

i'm almost smug that God can shine through, even in a slight drunkfest. and that He can place within that drunkfest a calm spot for me to realize my thankfuls. praise be to God.
aer <><

day two

it's day two of november & nablomopo or whatever it's acronymed, so here i am! today was the Big Day Off. it was spent sleeping in waaaay too late, out to lunch with grace lutheran church youth (hereafter referred to as glcy) , waiting for Husby to get home from work, and cleaning/unpacking/hanging pics. phew. notice nowhere above did i say "shower, change out of pj's, eat normally, or do any work". ahh. and so has been the delightful mixture of chaos and attempting to leave work at work that is my life.

lately it's become increasingly frusterating to feel and even embrace all these emotions i've got going on. the apartment Husby and i have moved into is a big jumbled heap of old yucky things, beautiful new wedding gifts, and everything in between. yowsas. work is also piled up - big events, kids with hugey huge things going on in their lives, not enough time to devote to quiet time, and an increasing awareness of the need for calm. and let me tell you, there is no calm in my life. not a calm place to go to and sit in, not a calm spot in my heart, not a calm to be found.

so what does one do besides pray for "the peace which passes all understanding?" soak in every beautiful sunset, relish each moment alone in the clean car, close eyes and breathe, snuggle up to Husby at night and love his breathing. i can't seem to find the elusive calm places, yet the calm seems to find me - usually just when i think i'm going to lose it.
aer <><

girls' first blog!

here i am, breaking into the blogging world! this will be short and sweet. i've decided to join the national blog posting month, or nablomopowhatever. so this is posting #1. lately the art of bottling has been all too appealing, and decided last night to claim the promises from God of new beginnings. so here we go. happy november all - blogworld, here i am!
aer <><

p.s. more tomorrow - gotta post this before it's midnight!